hello scum

The most annoying voice in the history of ears.

2009-01-31T13:37:00.006Z

This is some kind of parental advisory review of the PS3 game Uncharted which is all well and good but HER VOICE. Her voice! Makes me want to punch her in the throat!

Could you imagine living with that noise?

Story from North America.

2009-01-31T13:24:00.003Z

I love this kind of stuff, the animation is superb.

(via You Ruddy Guys.)

Film 2008 without Jonathan Ross.

2009-01-13T11:16:00.012Z

Last year was good to movie-goers, so to celebrate I have done some lists.

BEST MOVIES
There were a lot of great films out last year but I enjoyed these the most.

The Dark Knight
Lived up to the hype and them some, who cares if the plot has more holes than a sponge, when Heath Ledger's Joker is on screen you could hear a pin drop in the theater. Terrifying and hilarious all at once.

Wall-E
I actually got a lump in my throat when Eve watches Wall-E's playback. I'm a sensitive boy.

In Bruges
Odd but brilliant black comedy.

[rec]
Possibly the best straight zombie movie ever made.

Nick & Nora's Infinite Playlist
Michael Cera probably shits gold eggs.

WORST MOVIES
Films that should have known better.

Dairy of the Dead
Truly one of the shittest films I've ever sat through. The acting! Ugh! Possibly the worst straight zombie movie ever made.

Indiana Jones
Swinging with monkeys. Indy in a fridge. Shit-munching offspring. Aliens. You chose... poorly.

The Strangers
Could have been an hour shorter, and the end ruined the only cleverness the film had going for it - that the terrorists hadn't actually laid a finger on the couple.

Disaster Movie
You said it.

Zombie Love.

2009-01-10T18:12:00.003Z

My very first comic.
Hate squinting? Click here.

Did you miss me?

2009-01-10T15:38:00.005Z

Yeah so anyway I haven't been updating Hello Scum because my shitty HP laptop took it's own life (probably out of shame) but now I have a new, more Japanese laptop that has face recognition and other cool stuff I'll never use. I could have updated using my PS3 but that would have taken actual human effort. This is the first in a splurge of posts - a video of a ninja cat.

Gotta love that O face.

2008-12-06T22:01:00.003Z

Some great internet animation here, and I've watched the end about four times and still laugh.

The most important video in the history of mankind.

2008-12-06T21:46:00.004Z

This "alien expert" is a genius, earning money by refusing to answer any questions.

You do, do you? Maybe if you did a little dance and a song about aliens...

Funny YouTube comment:
lucienpsinger - "Tragically, his encounter with a real live alien turned him into a dick.

(via Cynical-C.)

Where's the remote?!

2008-11-18T02:22:00.002Z

Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe makes an appearance on QVC.

"I never said it was gonna be a gentile parlour game you titted fucking idiot!"

2008-11-18T01:54:00.005Z

I bought Charlie Brooker's zombie horror Dead Set on DVD and loved every sweary, gorey and (most importantly) funny second of it. The dialogue especially was hilarious (see post title) with Andy Nyman's Patrick, a fictional Big Brother producer and brilliant anti-hero, stealing the show. Actually if I have one gripe it's that I could have done with more Patrick and less of Ray Winstone's mockney pug-faced daughter - Jimmy or whatever the fuck her name is.
The scenes featuring Davina McCall were surprisingly great too, I'll never hear Mika in quite the same way again. Better than Shaun of the Dead. It just is!

"My anus is bleeding!"

2008-11-18T01:47:00.002Z

Animator Don Hertzfeldt turns rejected works (what did he expect?!) into a really neat and hilarious short film. I laughed out loud every time "You're watching the Family Learning Channel" appeared.

Happy Halloween.

2008-10-30T00:01:00.004Z

Dramatic look.

2008-10-29T23:47:00.000Z

Chubby cuppy cake.

2008-10-29T23:35:00.005Z

Some kid lip-syncs to a cutesy song.

(thanks, Kimbers!)

"We talkin' 'bout flea market."

2008-10-20T01:25:00.005+01:00

A local TV commercial advertising... well, you'll get the gist.

"Who put this dick on my back?"

2008-10-19T19:12:00.002+01:00

A trader pulls a little prank on live TV because sometimes they need a break from swapping make-believe coins.

He's not my friend.

2008-09-27T21:49:00.004+01:00

A bunch of unsettling 'musicians' sing about their imaginary friend.

(via Warren Ellis.)

It broke YouTube.

2008-09-25T17:03:00.009+01:00

This advert for Wario Land: Shake It! for the Wii is awesome.
The game doesn't look too great though. Bloody Wii...

(via Travors.com)

Cubicle meltdown.

2008-09-14T21:00:00.004+01:00

Another office worker pushed to breaking point, this time it's the insane calmness that makes this so funny. That, and his workmates' reactions.

Hell hath no fury like a nerd scorned.

2008-09-11T23:53:00.008+01:00

Final Fantasy nut is angry that Square have gone back on their exclusivity promise, instead doing the smart thing and going multi format, releasing it on the Xbox360.
He has an extremely romanticised view of Japan but who am I to judge - he's an expert! And is that a glass of... sperm?

Ugh, you can almost feel his spittle hitting you in the face at the end. Although the sudden cut to the Wii made me laugh. I'm tempted to start a petition of my own to have him be the next Bond villain.

Update: Just realised who he sounds like! The actor Wallace Shawn who played Vizzini in The Princess Bride.

Peter Cook / Chris Morris - Why Bother.

2008-09-11T20:02:00.012+01:00

Here's all five parts of Why Bother. This is the first time I've ever uploaded anything onto the Internet (re: anything anyone would be interested in.) I did it because I couldn't find it anywhere so I had to buy it. With actual pounds! Well, digital pounds. I listened to these unscripted interviews between Peter Cook and Chris Morris while giggling to myself like an evil leprechaun. Enjoy.

Part One.
Part Two.
Part Three.
Part Four.
Part Five.

That didn't last very fucking long, it's already on YouTube... well, at least you can listen to it here without the stupid The Movies video. Which you can easily minimize. Could claim mine has better quality? No, what's the use. YouTube bastard stealing my thunder. Hell, I've posted it now so I may as well leave it.

(thanks for your help anyway, AstonishingSodApe!)

"We'll do it live! Fuck it!"

2008-09-11T19:33:00.007+01:00

When simple-minded folk are confronted with the unknown they become confused, this confusion often leads to furious anger. Here's a classic example, watch Bill O'Reilly snort like a beast and throw a hissy fit at a member of his crew because he doesn't understand what's going on. He basically acts like the arsehole he most assuredly is.

I once went to dinner with Bill O'Reilly, I took him to a French restaurant. He couldn't understand the words on the menu and started slamming his fists on the table. By the end of the meal, he had stripped naked, poured gravy over himself and assaulted four women. Police apprehended him as he attempted to set fire to the maître d'.
True story.

Human time bomb.

2008-09-10T20:55:00.007+01:00

I enjoyed the Sore Loser post so much that I'm gonna be posting clips of people losing it. I might even call it 'Freak Out Week' but probably won't. Although I kind of just did. All starting with this epic office meltdown. "Quick, call the police! Someone's gone sane!"

The comments on YouTube rarely let me down...
nightmarehorse1: "wow i wounder if he got fired after that"
molimhvalaizvoli: "no, he got promoted"

"Woah, Duuude..."

2008-09-10T14:42:00.002+01:00

A stoned professor gives an unorthodox lecture.

Xbox Live.

2008-09-10T14:19:00.004+01:00

...is the reason I haven't updated this load of balls recently. I've managed to avoid online gaming until very recently, I was always content playing games alone, mashing buttons as I stared emptily at a bunch of polygons.
My Xbox360 suffered the Red Ring of Death last year and I received one month free Live access along with a new console. Then GTA IV was released with online multiplayer and... pwned! noob! ROFLMAO!!! ...what have I become?

Monkeys on Ice.

2008-08-20T21:50:00.006+01:00

Can't seem to embed it so here's the link.
This may be the best thing I'll ever see. Hee hee! The monkey thinks he's people! Look at him go!

The Little Dark Knight.

2008-08-19T14:35:00.003+01:00

The Dark Knight trailer recreated with miniature people. The best bit is right after The Little Joker shouts "Hit me!"

Televizzle.

2008-08-17T09:02:00.003+01:00

I've pretty much given up on British TV - I think My Hero was the embalming fluid on the corpse - so I've taken 'inspiration' from Charlie Brooker's TV Go Home and made up a buncha fictional TV listings.

Smeato's Question Time
Baggage handler, false idol and unwelcome tabloid shit-stain John Smeaton is in the firing line as a po-faced studio audience ask hard-hitting political questions like, "Is Gordon Brown's dead eye a slightly different colour to his one remaining good eye?"

The C Word
Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall fronts the Gordon Ramsay-like show with his usual mild eccentricity and back-to-basics cooking.
In tonight's show he cuts off chunks of his own flesh, cooks it then serves it to an unsuspecting care home.

Trevor
Eastenders spin-off where we follow domestic abuse poster-boy and his new squeeze Barbara on a kind of insane lady-punching road trip. Like Max & Paddy's Road To Nowhere with more screaming and bruised legs.

Tomorrow's World (Repeat)
Maggie Philbin tells us how in the year 2001 we will eat everything in pill form, drive floating cars and have evolved an extra face.

Big Brother's Little Step-Dad
Presented by gurning hate-figure Vernon Kay, this four hour daily BB update show usually ends with someone openly masturbating.

The Boy Whose Head Fell Off
Emotionally immature, tear-jerking documentary recounting the final horrifying moments of Billy Pickles' life as his head unexpectedly falls off as he competes in a school sack race.

All New Wheel Of Fortune
Lock up your daughters, John Leslie's back! Although contracted under the odd demand that all contestants be female.
The winner walks away with £5000 while the loser is subjected to a sex attack.

Fuck Me, I'm Karen Taylor
Defying all logic, bubble-headed "comedienne" Karen Taylor gets her show recomissioned on BBC Three.
All your favourite characters return; Pre-Menstrual Woman and Miss Harper the teacher/sex predator.
Let's see how many times she mentions her tits (last weeks tit-count: 207)

Teatime With Gloria Hunniford
Gloria sits for a chat with Eastenders' June Brown, who plays Dot Branning.
(contains violence, strong language, offensive humour and explicit nudity, viewer discretion is advised.)

"Personal adjustment made easy."

2008-08-17T08:13:00.007+01:00

I was shopping on Amazon when I came across the Gentlemen's Ball Scratcher, it's one of those joke gifts aimed at people with no sense of humour, you know the kind, they say "I'm 21 this year! Haha!" every year and like The Simpsons because they know lots of other people do - but what's worth posting is this customer review.

"I had always found the standard 'hands on' approach to be fairly successful, but this product offers a little more. The long handle really facilitates access to those awkward areas and the cold metal can be quite stimulating. Fortunately the makers have gone to the trouble of fashioning a distinctly feminine hand, so the homophobic have nothing to fear from this product.

PS. Following a rather unfortunate incident at a party, I would advise against leaving it in the kitchen after use (especially on a sweltering summer's day). It would have taken a braver man than myself to disabuse thirty-or-so guests of the notion that they had been using a rather trendy 'cocktail stirrer'."

"Jenkins! Let's go to Borneo tonight, eh?"

2008-08-15T15:34:00.007+01:00

I not big on Craigslist, I always thought it was for paedophiles and hookers, but this was brought to my attention and made me chuckle. It parodies those creepy internet Richy Riches, the type who pay for girls with low self-esteems to have their tits cut up.

I am RICH and I want to spend it on YOU tonight.

I am so rich. Goodness, gracious. My, my, my. I am so, very, very wealthy. How many dollars do I have? That's a question only my team of ten fat accountants can answer, because they have golden calculators which I bought for them with my money. And what is on those golden calculators? Numbers. And those numbers equal the dollars in my bank accounts, which are huge...

...But I have a tender side. Sometimes, I see a hobo. And when I see the hobo, I think to myself, "This man is poor. His monetary value is low, and my monetary value is high, and it's a shame that he is himself. What can I do?"

I ask the hobo if he would rather have booze or money to buy booze. If he says he wants the money, I don't give it to him because I know he'll buy booze with it. But if he says he wants the booze, I give him the money because I value honesty, even among lying hobos.

All of it.

(Thanks, Kimbers!)

"Fookin' Bruges..."

2008-08-14T15:50:00.010+01:00

I watched In Bruges the other day, starring Colin Farrell, Brendan Gleeson and Ralph Fiennes (whose character doesn't appear until the final 'act' but is definitely worth the wait.) The script is odd in that there aren't any particularly witty jokes in there, the laughs come from how the two main characters interact with a strange town, the scene where Colin Farrell (who's great in this) punches the Canadian in the restaurant is a perfect example of this. I can't be bothered explaining the plot so here's the trailer.
It's a great film and actually reminded of the movie Made but with extreme violence thrown in.
And there's a midget in it.

Sore loser.

2008-08-09T00:05:00.006+01:00

I don't quite know why but nothing's funnier to me than a person losing their temper over something trivial. A swedish Counter-Strike player goes mental after being killed by, I'm guessing, the guy sitting to his left. His anger is so over-the-top it made me laugh like a drain. Now whenever I need cheering up, I shall watch this.

Ha! I just noticed he tries to walk away without taking out his headset!

Get Your War On.

2008-08-03T21:13:00.004+01:00

(via Why, That's Delightful!)

Smooth.

2008-08-02T12:54:00.003+01:00

This guy will strangle a hooker one day.

Name-droppings.

2008-08-02T12:34:00.003+01:00

I just had to post another of Des McLean's Billy Connelly piss-takes.

"It makes me very humble, I must admit."

2008-08-02T12:09:00.004+01:00

I love Billy Connelly but Des McLean nails him in these clips. Too funny.

Part 2 is just as funny, you can find more on YouTube

Sex Fruit?!

2008-07-28T12:49:00.007+01:00

"A judge has attacked a bizarre trend in New Zealand for giving children strange names as he made a nine-year-old called Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii a ward of court.

Family Court Judge Rob Murfitt listed a series of unfortunate names that he said were embarrassing or made children seem foolish among their peers.
Some names, including Fish and Chips, Yeah Detroit, Stallion, Twisty Poi, Keenan Got Lucy and Sex Fruit, were blocked by registration officials, he said.

But others were allowed, including Number 16 Bus Shelter, Midnight Chardonnay, "and tragically, Violence," the judge said.

The names were mentioned in Murfitt's decision on a custody battle over the nine-year-old girl from the North Island town of Hawera, who was so embarrassed at the name her parents had given her - Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii - that she never told her closest friends what it was.

She told people her name was "K" because she feared being "mocked and teased," the girl's lawyer, Colleen MacLeod, told the court."

(the other words.)

This reminds me, I work in a shop and I see some great names, my favourites so far: the surname Skiffington, Elizabeth Queen and John Shirtlifter (I shit you not.)

"What can we do with her?"

2008-07-26T19:09:00.006+01:00

Ooh, ooh! Let's tie her up and spit on her!

Of couse, the clip made me angry but my mood was immediately rebalanced by the 'tags' given to the post:
"Bill O'Reilly bully Fox Noise insane crazy monster phone sex"

I feel absolutely bad.

2008-07-26T12:20:00.005+01:00

Like what you see?

2008-07-25T18:41:00.009+01:00

"Hello My Name Is..." paper napkins.

A reliable source told me a girl used one of these and he called.
But you would, wouldn't you?

(Thanks, Kimberly!)

There's hope yet.

2008-07-25T18:25:00.008+01:00

Barack Obama appears on The Tonight Show.
I remember asking my Mum "How long do you think before there is a black president?" "Probably quite a while" she answered.
That was a year ago.

What, Why, How, Who?
Hopefully, he isn't too good to be true.
Am I the first person to notice he sounds just like The Rock?

Smile for the camer-argh!

2008-07-23T12:29:00.007+01:00

Conrad Veidt's appearance in the 1928 silent movie The Man Who Laughs is said to be the visual inspiration for The Joker. Whaddayathink?

It hurts to frown.

2008-07-22T20:11:00.005+01:00

Rather stupidly, I laid out in the sun all day yesterday (I'm led to believe it was 25°) and now I'm all red. I was getting my bronze on with the 'logic' that the more sunbathing I do now, the longer my tan will last for the rest of the year. I've heard it called 'panic sunbathing', which is a bit like 'panic shopping' but a fraction less moronic.
As I lay on the grass, topping up my man-tan I thought, "Aah, life might be sort of okay, I suppose."
Presumably God has some kind of happiness radar and thinks "FUCK YOU. REMEMBER THE APPLE?" and gives you skin cancer. Because if something in this vicious world is even the tiniest bit enjoyable there has to be some kind of horrible upshot. One moment you're having drunken, no-strings sex then the next you're hungover in the abortion clinic and you have clamidia.
So, yeah, I have sunburn. That's the price you pay for vanity.

Baa!

2008-07-22T10:16:00.005+01:00

I can't get enough of this stuff. Practical jokes are only funny when this much thought and effort has gone into it.

"Have you no respect for the theater?"

2008-07-22T10:03:00.002+01:00

This wouldn't be funny if the movie was any good but it isn't so let's laugh!

A mouthful of AYDS.

2008-07-18T19:34:00.002+01:00

"Question: why take diet pills when you can enjoy AYDS?"

The Hours that can be better spent.

2008-07-18T18:44:00.005+01:00

Adam Buxton's video for a great little song he done for Adam and Joe's Song Wars about The Hours. Now I don't have to watch the damn film.

Swinging dog.

2008-07-15T18:29:00.003+01:00

I don't know if it was the dog, the swing or the music (or all three) but I laughed.

(via Cynical-C Blog.)

Getting the giggles.

2008-07-14T15:29:00.005+01:00

BBC Radio newsreader cracks up after hearing the aledged "earliest recording of the human voice."

And what title did icewarrior1960 give his YouTube offering?
"BBC NEWS READER LAUGHS AT DEATH." Haha!

Help a bald brother out.

2008-07-12T15:35:00.001+01:00

More Larry David, this time doing his bit for cancer research.

Larry David: Help A Bald Brother Outfunny videosFunnyOrDie.com

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Larry David on Letterman.

2008-07-12T15:15:00.002+01:00

"Don't dream, you're gonna fail!"

Fornication such as this.

2008-07-12T15:12:00.004+01:00

A best man delivers a great speech at his friend's wedding.

(thanks, Mum!)

Uncanny #3.

2008-07-02T17:44:00.004+01:00

Good job no one was watching.

2008-07-01T09:51:00.004+01:00

It's the crowd reaction that makes this.

Talking shit.

2008-07-01T08:29:00.007+01:00

In a fit of boredom, I typed "load of shit" into Google, which, of course, led me to loadofshit.co.uk, a small site that allows people to complain about all things shit.

Topic: Dog crap
Name: Nicky Steers
Location: Redhill
Submitted: Thu, 23 Aug 2007 19:36:53 GMT
Comments: Someone keeps letting their dog shit right outside my front gate - if I catch them at it, I'll rub ther f***ing nose in it!

Topic: Dog crap
Name: Barry
Location: Tamworth
Submitted: Fri, 24 Aug 2007 11:17:43 GMT
Comments: Somebody allowed their dog to crap on our drive too. They want their f***ing heads ripping off. Bastards

Rock it, man.

2008-06-21T16:00:00.005+01:00

William Shatner's performance of Elton John's Rocket Man is one of those things a knew about but had never actually watched in full... until this week. This aired on local Chicago TV on Friday, January 20th 1978.
I burst out laughing at the appearance of The Third Shatner, as it appears that the booze had kicked in by then.

Here's the Family Guy pardoy, if you're interested.

Mounting Everest.

2008-06-21T14:39:00.011+01:00

A video of a job interview was anonymously dropped off at Boing Boing HQ, it's the funniest thing I've seen in a while and the German applicant, Mr. Fisch is a most lovable, yet creepy guy. This is worth watching just for when he gets asked what his weaknesses are. Brilliant. Liiiiiink.

Don't be gay about it.

2008-06-19T14:58:00.013+01:00

This made me smile - a dirty dozen reasons against gay marriage.
My favourites:

Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control are not natural.
Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people makes you tall.
Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage license.

See the whole thang.

To paraphrase Seth MacFarlane from a Family Guy or American Dad DVD commentary (yeah, I listen to commentary tracks, wanna fight about it?!) "If you're against gay marriage then, I'm sorry, but you're a fucking nazi." Well... maybe not a nazi, but definitely a self-righteous dick.
While I'm on it, another thing that annoys me is when closet homophobes say, "What people do in the privacy of their own homes..." Just as long as they're not spilling out into the street, sucking and fucking like a bunch of mad bastards?

"I don't wanna do anything ever again."

2008-06-18T14:39:00.005+01:00

Ricky Gervais and Louis CK almost literally die laughing on their way back from New York in a private death can. Louis comes out with some hilarious lines out of pure fear.

"Twelve year old gay kids" and the terrible "Russian" joke got me the most.

"Should I pull it out with my teeth?"

2008-06-18T14:27:00.005+01:00

No, you most certainly fucking shouldn't.

I bet you're sorry. Lesson learned: don't play with hand genades.

Random act of kindness.

2008-06-14T21:22:00.004+01:00

Before co-writing The Office and discovering Karl Pilkington, Ricky Gervais makes a prank call to a member of the public, who figures his proposition is too good to be true.

"Time is going by really really really really slow."

2008-06-14T09:20:00.006+01:00

A couple high on hash brownies made a call to 911 after their trip took a turn for the worse.

Clicky da linky!

One word answer.

2008-06-14T00:45:00.006+01:00

This prank is similar to an earlier post, in that someone is winding up a cold-caller. This is such a great and simple idea. LINKAGE.

(via Why, That's Delightful!)

There was a black man who swallowed a fly.

2008-06-11T10:29:00.004+01:00

A news reporter looses his composure after swallowing a fly. You've gotta love this guy.

Award for most garish DVD box art goes to...

2008-06-10T15:35:00.009+01:00

...which was delivered to me this morning by a lady postman. Yet to find out if it will work over here as it's Region 1. If it doesn't I'll join Al-Qaida (yeah, come and get me.)
Here's a taste of Frisky Dingo.

Dance like everybody's watching.

2008-06-10T13:51:00.006+01:00

The sparse crowd at this basketball game are encouraged to dance during half-time, watch as one (possibly homosexual) guy really goes for it!

Also, charles45555's comment under the video made me laugh out loud, "the WNBA is for lesbians with bowl cuts."

"Teaching children not to believe everything they see."

2008-06-08T12:46:00.005+01:00

If there's one thing that boils my blood it's the reality-fearing religeous spouting their bullshit in public. There's a great Family Guy clip at the end of this.

Here's a funny and truthful Doug Stanhope bit that sums up my feelings perfectly.

"Your show needs more funny on it."

2008-06-08T12:32:00.005+01:00

Evan Almighty's Steve Carell and Lauren Graham appear on Unscripted, Lauren pitches her Office character to Steve.

I think I fell a little bit in love with her watching this clip.

McSaw.

2008-06-02T06:48:00.005+01:00

Some German kid dressed up as Jigsaw visits a McDonald's drive-thru.

Electric Funk Daddy Superstar Break.

2008-06-01T03:11:00.002+01:00

A superb human beatbox tells us his recipe.

Ricky Gervais Meets... Master Bateman.

2008-06-01T02:19:00.005+01:00

Ricky Gervais is blogging the developement of his first movie This Side of the Truth and it's looking pretty damn good. This post however made me laugh quite a bit.

CASTING UPDATE....
...Jason Bateman is the latest addition to join the cast.

"I'm a huge fan of Jason" says Ricky. "I love his acting style and he's a lovely guy. When he kept calling me and begging to have a walk-on part in the film I said yes immediately. Well, I said, 'why are you so desperate?' first."

Apparently "Master Bateman" as he likes to be called, has spent his amassed wealth on crack and a botched sex change operation.

Now he has what he calls, "a mess down there", but he doesn't care as he is permanently "out of it".

...

Jason Bateman was furious with me for blogging the details of his botched sex-change operation and out of control drug abuse. He burst into my trailer fuming and shouting "I'm not high, I'm drunk. I'm fucking drunk OK? Drunk."

He then started to take of his trousers mumbling "I'll show you a fucking sex-change. They fucking butchered me and you think it's funny. I was teen wolf you mother-fucking limey"

"Well, teen wolf too" I said.

"How are you spelling the too bit?'' he snapped. "T double O" I replied. "Good," he said, a little calmer.

Then, tearful he thanked me for casting him and left. He may have left without his trousers but he left with his fucking dignity god damn it.

"I was robbed by two men."

2008-05-26T15:39:00.003+01:00

This is a Japanese workout video that has an exciting crime thriller linking the exercises together.

Monkey see, monkey grope.

2008-05-26T15:31:00.003+01:00

A curious monkey interferes with a puppy until discovering something so funny that it literally falls over laughing.

"I do believe in you...I just know you're gonna fail."

2008-05-22T19:03:00.010+01:00

I watched Walk Hard the other day and I wasn't really expecting much as the release had been pretty low-key compared to, say, Knocked Up. But it was possibly down to my lowered expectations that I ended up loving it (which is the opposite to what I felt with Superbad, which kinda let me down.) It's up there with Anchorman as one of my favourite comedies of recent years. John C Reilly is hilarious as the boneheaded Dewey Cox (and, yes, the 'Cox' puns are probably the weakest jokes in the film) and Jenna Fischer, who I have a crush on since watching The Office US, is great in it too.
The movie is a parody of recent biopics like Ray and, more obviously, Walk the Line. But it's not just another lazy shit-heap like Superhero Movie or Date Movie or Snuff Movie, which I imagine will be next, it's so much more than that - it's really damn funny. And Jack White does a mean Elvis Presley - see for yourself!

Voyeur.

2008-05-22T14:24:00.002+01:00

(take it to the max!)

Helicocktor.

2008-05-22T13:25:00.003+01:00

A political assembly led by chess grandmaster Garry Kasparov was disrupted by a hovering phallus. The Moscow Times attributed the prank to "a couple of pro-Kremlin Young Russia activists."

See the "subtitled" version here.

"That's the opposite of what is good."

2008-05-21T16:26:00.004+01:00

A funny take on the urban myth of the girl who doesn't know how to give, um, favours.

The Jeremy Kyle Drinking Game.

2008-05-18T16:32:00.011+01:00

There's a drinking game I heard about where you've to have a glug every time Old Jez bellows one of his ridiculous 'catchphrases', which you'll find a list of here. You also have to be working-class and unemployed. Here are some of his 'best' lines...

"Look me in the eyes..."
"A mother in turmoil, ladies and gentlemen."
"You Sir/Madam are a disgrace!"
"I'll be in trouble for saying this, but..."
"So you enjoy hitting women?"
"She gave birth to you."
"You're scum."
"I feel for you, babe."
"Oh, so you're one of the 4% the lie detector doesn't work for?"
"Where I come from..."
"Graham's on the show, ladies and gentlemen."
"People in my ear are telling me to stay calm."
"Be a man for once in you're life!"
"I've got news for you, sunshine..."
"You're an alcoholic, aren't you?"
"I'm a weekend dad and proud of it!"

And my personal favourite...

"A family literally being torn apart."

Warning: watching The Jeremy Kyle Show may cause brain damage.

The female of the species is more friendlier than the male.

2008-05-18T15:55:00.006+01:00

Whereas women begrudgingly lend a sympathetic ear, men are more prone to this response. Click on it to see the letters.

(via One For The Road.)

Frame by frame.

2008-05-18T15:37:00.005+01:00

A really cool and inventive wall-painted animation that was done by some disturbed graffiti artist who calls himself Blu. The amount of effort that must've gone into this is brain-bending. But as you'll see, it was worth it.

"They all, presumably, put food on the table - how?!"

2008-05-17T23:40:00.007+01:00

Peep Show's David Mitchell, the only thing that could get me to watch The Graham Norton Show, shares his views on red carpet paparazzi and sums up just how farcical of the arrangement is.

He's capable of the most hilarious and logical rants, going on to say, "Is the picture editor of the Daily Express going, "Oh, I don't know, I prefer it from 4° to the right..."" Very funny guy.

Sex and the Shitty.

2008-05-15T19:32:00.016+01:00

I'd tune in to watch Sex and the City as a sex-starved teenager hoping for a flash of tit and accidentally got caught up in the story, it's an exceptionally well-written show. There's one problem - the characters and setting are almost impossible to relate to on an emotional level. Okay, it's just a comedy drama but likable lead characters are pretty damn important in this genre.
It's worth noting that it's written largely by gay men, not women as most people would assume.

And as a horny teen sitting in front of my TV I found the way straight men were portrayed to be insulting, perpetuating the modern fear that we're all sexual deviants. Which admittedly is true, but c'mon, give us a break.
It attempts to represent women's liberty and independence in the big city but turns out to be the opposite of this and as a result just demeans women.
Author of How to Lose Friends & Alienate People Toby Young is spot-on in his characteristically gossipy column about why he isn't a fan of the show.

"...the solidarity among the four main characters is what makes the world they find themselves so attractive. The message of Sex and the City is that the Manhattan marriage market, whereby single women are compelled to spend all their disposable income on designer clothes and every spare moment on personal grooming, is an absolute hoot. Forcing your feet into a pair of six-inch heels as you tramp from one singles bar to the next is not a form of torture that these women are forced to endure in order to attract a husband; rather, it is a post-feminist “choice”."

"The truth is that women like Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda are wretched, unhappy and isolated. The key to their survival is not the sisterhood, but a combination of slimming pills and anti-depressants."

It's another product of the networks' deplorable obsession with "aspirational telly", where we're expected to care about these self-obsessed, loathsome yuppies engaging in soulless fuckfests and talking about spoff.

That being said, I'll probably end up watching the movie version.
For the tits.

Apt.

2008-05-15T16:56:00.008+01:00

Never has one picture so accurately depicted an entire American Presidency.

Steve Carell on Letterman.

2008-05-15T16:49:00.004+01:00

One of the best comic actors going appearing on The Late Show. I've been watching The Office U.S. and he's great in it, and the series just keeps getting better and better.

"How many hobos does it take to read a magazine?"

2008-05-12T16:07:00.006+01:00

More Kristen Schaal, one of my favourite female comedians (comediennes?) This time doing an improvised scene as Trixie Tangway with animator Scott Bateman.

Photobombers.

2008-05-12T15:46:00.008+01:00

Ruining someone's photo is a dick move, but that doesn't make it any less funny.

And then some...

(via listoftheday.blogspot.com)

Kristen Schaal is a horse.

2008-05-11T18:28:00.003+01:00

Kurt Braunohler and Flight Of The Conchords' Kristen Schaal perform comedy by repetition. And she does a funny dance.

Cunt Smasher.

2008-05-11T17:57:00.004+01:00

What confuses me more than the chat how setting, his dance moves, hair, outfit and even his name is that the women here seem to actually enjoy this bullshit.

Breaking the fourth wall.

2008-05-09T13:25:00.010+01:00

I've been reading Scott Pilgrim the last few weeks and really enjoyed all four volumes - looking forward to vol. 5 - here's an ad for some comic convention by Bryan Lee O'Malley that captures the spirit of the books. Click on it to read.

The series is about 23 year old Canadian slacker Scott Pilgrim who meets the girl of his dreams (literally), however he must defeat her seven "evil ex-boyfriends" in OTT videogame-inspired showdowns in order to date her. Yeah...

This American Life.

2008-05-09T12:42:00.007+01:00

A charming bit of animation by cartoonist Chris Ware for Ira Glass' This American Life, which I've seen two episodes of and thought they were great.

I've found this is usually true of peoples' 'first memories' - they're recounting a story which has been to told to them. Fools.

(via Why, That's Delightful!)

Showered with gold.

2008-05-05T18:53:00.004+01:00

I had a look in my inbox and there was this email...

Subject: GOLD DUST PROPOSAL

GOLD DUST FOR SALE
QUANTITY.......450KGS
PURITY...........91.67 PERCENT CLEAN
QUALITY..........22+ KARATS.
PRICE............$14,000 PER KG.
l remain to hear from you soonest.
Thank you for your anticipated co-operation.
mrs Aminata toure

Wow! It almost seems too good to be true!

Give a little love.

2008-04-28T22:09:00.004+01:00

My excitement over Grand Theft Auto IV has reached fever pitch because I'll be playing it in two hours!
It's been unofficial GTA week on this shitty blog, which I'm ending with this excellent Coca Cola ad that parodies the game perfectly.

The cake is a lie.

2008-04-27T20:27:00.006+01:00

I completed Portal yesterday and I'd have done it in one sitting but it started to give me a splitting headache during the last level.
It's one of the funniest games I've ever played, the dialogue is witty with plenty of laugh-out-loud moments. You can't often say that about game scripts.
This is the song Still Alive from the closing credits.

Moral Outrage.

2008-04-26T17:10:00.008+01:00

Charlie Brooker's prank call to BMG reminded me of a spoof letter I wrote to PSM3 (then PSM2) three years ago when I was...uh...17, my original letter was a bit more sweary, this is the edited version that appeared in the magazine.

Dear Sir/Madame,
I could not believe my eyes and/or ears when I caught my son playing the computer game I had just bought for him.
Grand Theif Auto: San Andreas, where the sole objective is to have 'rub, rub' with ladies of the night then kill them to death with a sword... this offends me. I also heard him call his brother a 'bitch', and I can assure you he didn't learn that language from his parents' violent disputes. I promptly beat him furiously with a wok then locked him in the 'naughty cupboard'.
What in God's short name are we trying to tell our senseless children? That it's okay to purchase an assault rifle before going on a murderous rampage in their local town and/or village? Or to burn the homeless?
Thank Christ for US lawyers trying to make a name for themselves, taking the peddle-mongers who shat this subliminal evil to court. But with you lot at PSM2 backing such filth, the future doesn't look bright. I'm glad I'll be dead by then.

PSM2: It's not often we get government experts writing in with their well thought-out, none-kneejerk beliefs. It happens as much as our self-appointed moral guardians phoning to find out the facts.
Surely Andrew is just such an important figure? He's got the tone just right...

"It's a f***ing disgrace!"

2008-04-26T16:23:00.006+01:00

Charlie Brooker prank calls Sony BMG and pretends to be offended by the contents of Grand Theft Auto.
I actually felt a bit sorry for this poor guy but Brooker's attitude is funny as hell.

Listen!

Take a chill pill.

2008-04-25T21:56:00.002+01:00

Or a cyanide tablet, either's fine.

"How dare you phone me at this hour! I'm in the middle of hacking up my family!"

GTA: Lego City.

2008-04-25T14:31:00.002+01:00

Once Traveller's Tales have finished with Lego Batman and Lego Indiana Jones, they should get to work on this!

"You'd better hope that coma lasts a long, long time."

2008-04-23T00:42:00.005+01:00

Stand-up Doug Stanhope's short lived but brilliantly funny series When Hidden Cameras Attack. His constant whimpering during this had me in stitches.

Life imitates art.

2008-04-22T23:57:00.008+01:00

A man posing as Darth Vader attacked a Star Wars fan who had founded a Jedi Church, a court has heard.
Arwel Wynne Hughes, 27, from Holyhead, Anglesey, admitted assaulting Barney Jones and cousin Michael with a metal crutch. They suffered minor injuries. Hughes, who was drunk and dressed in a black bin bag, shouted "Darth Vader!"

Full Story...

(via WarrenEllis.com)

Inmate files restraining order against GTA.

2008-04-21T14:01:00.007+01:00

On April 9, inmate Jonathan Lee Riches, 31, filed a request for a temporary restraining order in a US District Court against Grand Theft Auto publisher Take-Two, developer Rockstar, FCI Williamsburg and "Grand Theft Auto" itself, claiming that the defendants "put me in prison."

Are you sure it wasn't your fault?

Riches continued, "Defendants put me in prison. I face imminent danger from violent inmates who played Grand Theft Auto who will knock me out and take my gold Jesus cross."

Maybe you should have taken that into account when you committed wire fraud.
But this is when it gets ridiculous...

This isn't the first time that Riches has filed a lawsuit from prison. Riches sued suspended NFL quarterback Michael Vick last year for "$63,000,000,000 billion dollars," alleging Vick had ties to Al Qaeda. He didn't win. He's also unsuccessfully sued Martha Stuart, New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick, President George W. Bush, Steve Jobs and Britney Spears, according to cited entries on Wikipedia.

Riches, a.k.a. 40948-018, is projected to be released in 2012, according to the Federal Bureau of Prisons' inmate locator.

(via GamesRadar.)

Uncanny #2.

2008-04-21T00:58:00.002+01:00